At the beginning of August of 2011, I lost my job. Not long after that, I read an article on the Catholic Match dating website blog by Jessica Zimanske titled, “Study: 75% of women would not marry a jobless boyfriend.” It was hard to read, being freshly unemployed, so I started to dismantle my profile and delete my photo, but something couldn't bring me to finish.
I quickly found another part-time job to scrape by on and joined the ranks of the underemployed. So much of our identity is wrapped up in our work, and a man feels the responsibility before God to provide for his future family. That's not a little pressure. Every day, I find myself surrounded by women whose values don't reflect those of my Catholic faith. Being around women who swear like sailors and are unconcerned about their purity or the state of their soul continues to drive me to Catholic Match to find someone more like-minded.
However, it has become painful for me to see so many beautiful Catholic women on the site while I feel paralyzed and unable to communicate with them. I feel like a prisoner trapped behind a wall of underemployment. I feel so powerless.
In this prison, the advantage is that I have a new understanding of and appreciation about Catholic women as I view their profiles. Their beauty and faith, their prayer and modesty, their grace and desire for natural family planning, their desire to save souls, their intelligence and compassion, their soft voice, their whole selves. This is so precious to me. A Catholic woman is that rare jewel or diamond you find in the sand that you didn't expect. They're worth more than words can say, because they're the fullness of woman.
Every day, I scanned through profiles on Catholic Match and added women I felt most interested in to my favorites list. I longed to protect one of these Catholic women and to gaze into her eyes. I wanted to see her beyond the image on a screen, or to know her beyond an online profile. I desired to touch her hand and console her, to dance with her and bare my soul to her. I wished I could write her notes and letters about how I felt about her. I wanted for her to be safe, secure and happy. But is all this just a dream? What is real is my aching heart that longs for her.
As I continue my job search through every hour, every day, and every week that passes; I must endure every closed door, rejected phone call and letter. I recite countless novenas and pleas to God, but to no avail. For some mystery, God doesn't give the green light, and He doesn't open the door. He holds me in my place, but the desire in my heart remains, so I can’t leave Catholic Match fully.
Fasting from her is the only true fast, for no amount of cold or heat, no foul weather nor can lack of sleep keep me from a chance to love her. I don't know the will of God tomorrow and I don't have much except a ton of hope. I wonder if hope will finally break through the wall that keeps me from her.
Fire proves true worth, and passing through the burning is for a reason, but still I wonder if I will ever come out of the burning. Will I ever see the water again?
Then, as the morning light dawns, I find an emotigram sent from a beautiful female member of Catholic Match. I renew membership and my strength is renewed. She doesn't reject me because of my employment status. We become friends.
If you're a Catholic woman and alone and suffering, know that your devotion is not un-noticed, that you're not un-loved. You're more than worth the burning and I bow to you. I truly honor you. I thank God He made you. In the walls of this prison, I have learned truly what you are, and what you are is truly God's masterpiece. I didn't know that outside these walls. In here, apart from you, it is forever burned in my heart.
Although we may have to wait for that job, Catholic Match members can continue to make friends on the site until God gives the green light. I'm glad I didn't leave Catholic Match fully, for the friend I made accepts me as I am now, and not for what I can become, and that was what I needed most.
Please dear Catholic sisters, pray for us to find stable employment so we can court you and no longer be inhibited from pursuing and loving you. Your prayers can turn everything around.
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